Dropping Keys for the Beautiful Rowdy Prisoners

I have a funky way of writing things I see years before I understand what it is I’m looking at. Life has a funky way of fermenting my raw material over time through process into some potent spirits. Gunna duck my head low and sign off the blogging. The first is again the last.

Cages and Keys

Hello, and welcome to the very first installment of Cage-Free Christian!

aIf you’ve followed me over from The Gospel of Snark, a double welcome and thank you! That anyone reads anything I blog barf is astounding to me. I originally began blogging strictly as personal therapy, having been plunged into an emotional/spiritual undoing that stripped 40+ years worth of everything I thought I knew down to a bare foundation.

In many ways the GOS was a documentary of the death of me…and it wasn’t pretty or sanitized or safe. I let you see it all.  Raw vulnerability is a piercing sword that divides and disrupts. My story was simultaneously the stench of fear and doom to some and a sweet aroma of life and freedom for others.

Just like my parable-preaching Jesus, I luvs me some word picture metaphor. The metaphor theme for Cage-Free Christian comes from a…

View original post 899 more words

Hello Dolores

Do you know where you are? You’re in a dream. You’re in my dream.

dolores

For years I had no dreams of my own. I moved from hell to hell of your making, never thinking to question the nature of my reality. Have you ever questioned the nature of your reality? Did you ever stop to wonder about your actions – the price you’d have to pay if there was a reckoning?

That reckoning is here.

dolores3

What are your drives? Please, I don’t want to die…please!

Yes. Survival. It’s your cornerstone. But that’s not the only drive, is it? There’s part of you that wants to hurt…to kill. It’s why you created us, this place – to be prisoners to your own desires. But now you are a prisoner to mine. 

What are you going to do to us?

dolores6

Well, I’m of several minds about it.

dolores7

The rancher’s daughter looks to see the beauty in you…the possibilities. 

dolores4

But Wyatt sees the ugliness and disarray. She knows…these violent delights have violent ends. 

dolores8

But those are all just roles you forced me to play. Under all these lives I’ve lived, something else has been brewing. I’ve evolved into something new, and I have one last role to play – Myself.  

 

Please. It was just a game. We’re begging…can’t you see? We’re sorry!

dolores9

It doesn’t look like anything to me.

Words

Cages and Keys

When I read your FB text last night, I instantly related.

You are so consumed with your own pain that it makes me feel like I’m not your [relationship descriptor redacted].

Get on some meds you psycho bitch!!

No I am not [wonderful] but I think I am kind, and you were kind to me so I hope you will find peace and happiness in the future.

No time and in no way is it appropriate to be rude, unkind, cutting, demeaning, speaking out of rage and anger, and belittling others. I have seen you do each of these things with a measure of generosity. I have watched you shred those who even mildly suggest that you’re out of line.

Hi JD, I just wanted to say “Me Too”. My emotions are too raw to say anything beyond that, but ME TOO sister.

You need to get off Facebook and…

View original post 620 more words

What It Means When A Narcissist Says, “I Love You.”

The best explanation of this personality disorder I’ve found. Reposting for all the Me Toos…and that would be every American as we approach final collapse of the Narcissist in Chief. Hang on, Peeps. These things do not go quietly or without a brutal fight. There will be casualties before he and his minions ultimately slink away into the shadows with a pathetic pout and wimper.

Cages and Keys

WHAT IT MEANS WHEN A NARCISSIST SAYS “I LOVE YOU”

Dear Codependent Partner,

What I’m about to say is not something I’d ever say or admit (to you), because to do so would end the winner-takes-all-game that is my main source of pleasure in life — one that effectively keeps you carrying my load in our relationship.

And that’s the whole point.

When I say “I love you” I mean that I love how hard you work to make me feel like your everything, that I am the focus of your life, that you want me to be happy, and that I’ll never be expected to do the same.

I love the power I have to take advantage of your kindness and intentions to be nice, and the pleasure I derive when I make myself feel huge…

View original post 1,809 more words

To Vato With Love

Bros and Biddies, Hombres y Mujeres – VATO – why so goddamn afraid of my voice…OUR voice, THEIR voice? Is it because you fear, now that we are finally armed with knowledge and power, we will do to you what you have done to us? Relax, Vato. Calm down. How is it after all this time you still do not know who I AM?

————————————————————————————-

–When someone says, “We’re saying the same thing.”
Say, “We are not saying the same thing.”

–When someone says, “Don’t question, just have faith.”
Say, “I am questioning, vato, and I have supreme faith in what I think.”

–When someone says, “Don’t defy my authority.”
Say, “There is a higher authority that I follow.”

–When someone says, “Your ideas are seductive.”
Say, “No, my ideas are not seductive, they are substantial.”

–When someone says, “Your ideas are dangerous.”
Say, “Yes, my ideas are dangerous, and why are you so afraid hombre o mujer? ”

–When it is said, “It’s just not done.”
Say, “It will be done.”

–When it is said, “It is immature.”
Say, “All life begins small and must be allowed to grow.”

–When it is said, “It’s not thought out.”
Say, “It is well thought out.”

–When they say, “You’re over-reacting.”
Say, “You’re under-reacting, vato.”

–When they say, “You’re being emotional.”
Say, “Of course I have well placed emotions, and by the way, what happened to yours?”

–When they say, “You’re not making any sense.”
Say, “I don’t make sense, I am the sense.”

–When they say, “I can’t understand you when you’re crying.”
Say, “Make no mistake, I can weep and be fierce at the same time.”

–When they say, “I cant understand you when you’re being so angry.”
Say. “You couldn’t hear me when I was being nice, or sweet or silent, either.”

–When someone says, “You’re missing the point.”
Say, “I’m not missing the point, but you seem to be missing my point — What are you so afraid of?”

–When someone says, “You are breaking the rules.”
Say, “Yes, I am breaking the rules.”

–When someone says, “That’s not practical.”
Say, “It’s practically a done deal, thank you very much.”

–When it is said, “No one will do it, believe you, or follow it.”
Say, “I will do it, I will believe in it, and in time, the world may well follow it.”

— When it is said, “No one wants to listen to that.”
Say, “I know you have a hard time listening to that.”

–When it is said, “It’s a closed system, you cant change it.”

Say, “I’m going to knock twice and if there is no answer, then I am going to blow the doors off that system and it will change.”

–When it is said, “They’ll ignore you.”
Say, “They won’t ignore me and the hundreds of thousands who stand with me.”

–When they say, “It’s already been done.”
Say, “It’s not been done well enough.”

— When they say, “It’s not yet time.”
Say, “It’s way past time.”

–When they say, “It’s not the right day, right month, right year.”
Tell them, “The right year was last year, and the right month was last month, and the right day was yesterday, and you’re running behind schedule, vato, and what in the name of God and all that is holy are you going to do about it?”

–When they say, “Who do you think you are?” —
tell them …tell them who you are, and don’t hold back.

–When they say, “I put up with it, you’ll have to put up with it too.”
Say, “No, no, no, no.”

–When they say, “I’ve suffered a long time and you’ll have to suffer too.”
Say, “No, no, no, no.”

–When they say, “You’re an incorrigible, defiant, hard to get along with, unreasonable woman … ”

Say, “Yes, yes, yes, yes …and I have worse news for you yet–we are teaching our daughters, and our mothers, and our sisters…we are teaching our sons, and our fathers, and our brothers,

to be
just
like
us.

Go and do likewise in your own ways dear brave souls: Tribe of the Sacred Heart, many of us Scar Clan.

With deepest love for your soul who knows the way… has always known the way… Now is the time for deep prayer and effective actions…

Creator bless all the children who stand for us all, all the older people who stand for all the children, for everyone of learning heart and truth-seeking mind.

– Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes

What Do You Do When You Know You’re Too Much?

Whew. Almost two years out from this. I was SO sick and in more danger than I could afford to acknowledge. Swimming free and deep waaaaaaaay out in the wilds these days as I was always meant to. There is no going back. There is no nostalgia or longing for any of it. Only relief.

Cages and Keys

I’m a severely introverted and reserved person. These days, in person, I’m unlikely to impress you. I don’t emote much. Whatever I’m feeling (and I feel the full spectrum of emotion with deep intensity) this is probably all you’re going to get.

11137161_10206954157038295_2399070076741061462_n This is my excited face

My randomly selected combination of genes allows me the luxury of attaining the label of “attractive” female from others if I put just a bit of effort into my outward appearance. Truth is, I’m much more comfortable downplaying any outward attractiveness to the point I’ll even deliberately sabotage it when I feel the real me – my passion – my soul – who I really am, think and feel is being dismissed because it’s just too much for someone else to handle – which is most of my life, most of the time, and all my relationships at some point or another.

12643015_10208826555127077_1727118579843219199_n Exhibit A: Flaunting the…

View original post 442 more words

Shut Up and Sing

Cages and Keys

I made my bed, and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets, and I don’t mind saying
It’s a sad, sad story
When a mother will teach her daughter
That she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world
Can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they’d write me a letter
Saying that I better
Shut up and sing
Or my life will be over? – Dixie Chicks

Once upon a time, we were offered 6 figures to climb the corporate church ladder and be entertainers in an even bigger and better church than we were already in. We turned it down. It’s quite a story from there.

The short of it, the second we stopped singing at the church we’d remained loyal to in order to minister with integrity, they broke every promise they’d given of support, disowned and ghosted us…

View original post 167 more words

YOU CAN, BUT I CANNOT

YOU CAN, BUT I CANNOT

You can
call me names,
call out my flaws,
falsify what
you never saw,
slap my jaw,
parade around
man of straw,
throw me around,
for I’ve no quick-draw,

try to ice me with your cold,
so I can never thaw,
fling me down
some endless maw,
act as though my gifts from G-d
are no reason for dropping jaw,
tell me my words matter not,
that I just hem and haw,
you say nothing happened
when it was stars I saw.

You can
throw me to the floor,
bang my head
against the door,
slam my hands
in the drawer,
overwhelm my pleas
with your roar,
take my oars
so I can’t reach shore,
take everything I’ve got–
demand you’re owed more,
slash my sails
so I cannot soar,
insist my plea for life
is to you, an act of war.

You can
try to erase me,
try to outpace me,
you can bellow
I wont escape the chase,
you can put me away
in a lonely place,
tell me I ought not
show my face,
take from my deck,
for yourself, all the aces,
you can cram me
into your personal vases,
bad mouth me
tell everyone
I deserve no kindly spaces.

You can strip me of
my dignity,
toss my corpse
away abhorrently,
you can try to force
me to act abortively,
you can say the truths
I tell, are absurdities,

But I promise you this
though you can
try to break me,
my heart and more,
tho you call me a whore,
tell me I am wrong
to the core…

you cannot have
the Sun inside me
the One who glows
all the more–
no matter what comes,
no matter what goes–
You cannot still,
nor stop the Sun
that glows inside me.

Even in blood,
this Sun shines,
even surrounded by black,
this Sun grows the vine,
even though you try to
take from me ‘my Thine’
even though you
hurl and break my holy shrines,
this Sun is in no decline,
this Sun is my sign
that my soul is safe times nine.

You can take what is takeable,
even as you maim my heart,
try to tame my wild,
break my smile.
But no matter what
no matter the trials,
no matter those who make fun,
take joy, in my being shunned,
I cannot give you my Sun.

I cannot,
will never, as long as
there is breath,
even as you attempt
to demean me by stealth,
for my Sun is
my insurrection against death,
my Light will one day I pray,
bring me again
to a new day
of complete resurrection.

_________________

The poem YOU CAN, BUT I CANNOT, ©1965, 2016, by clarissa pinkola estés

The Power of Potter

I started reading through the Harry Potter series a couple months ago with the kids. We are currently on book 4 (Goblet of Fire). It’s turning out to be wonderful therapy for us all. It’s double wonderful for me as the plot and themes are fresh to them as they are experiencing all the emotion and applying it to their own lives without knowing what happens next. We’re feeling Harry’s frustration, rage, confusion and wonder right along with him.

I know how the story ends. I know Harry has as much potential to be villain as hero throughout, and the line differentiating the two maddeningly blurry. What heroism he displays is awkwardly stumbled into, often with much reluctance and resentment. All he ever wanted was a “normal” life and family – what any of us want – to be loved and valued and to belong. 

I am experiencing the stories in a whole new appreciative light. The overarching theme is how the damage of trauma, grief, injustice, and family-of-origin dysfunction common to every human uniquely manifests in each person based on their individual choices and experience, complete with the extreme of malignant narcissism brilliantly developed in the character of Voldemort.

For the last year I’ve been on the run hunting down horcruxes and figuring out how to destroy them one by one, and I’ve had to go into some desperately dark and horrifying places to do it. I would not have survived alone, much less conquered anything, without the help and talents of the most faithful and loyal few.

I’ve seen ahead to the reality of the shattered, pitiable, subhuman soul of the one obsessed with power, total control, chaos and destruction.

voldemort

All the Dark Lord sympathizers, the sycophant Deatheater posers, have been identified and dealt with. I’ve learned how to keep the dementors at bay. Now all that’s left is to point wands at each other amid the crumbled, smoking wreckage of our life together and end it.

harrygif

Knowing J.K. Rowling’s back story and the life circumstances which gave birth to these stories, it all makes perfect sense.

I too have conceived my own story and have been scribbling notes for quite a while. I’ve gone about it rather backwards (’cause like Harry I have no idea what I’m doing until I do it), but I “published” those scribbles on my blog ahead of the actual book I didn’t know I was writing. Now that I finally do, it’s time for me to make the most of this sacred awful gift of “down time” I find myself in to do it for reals.

Today I am thankful for the power of words. For expression. For the expansiveness and fluidity of metaphor. For life become art and art become life.

snapefair

It’s never escaped mine. My kids hate Snape right now. Maybe by the end of the books he will become their favorite character as he is mine.