Agony of Light

Originally posted December 27, 2016. September 27, 2017, nine months to the day, I will be spreading my wings and escaping the darkness forever as it no longer has any hold on me. No one can hold on to Nothing. The detox is complete. I am clean, clear and free.

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The hardest part is not the darkness. No. You can still imagine things to look much better than you feel them to be in the shadows; imagine things to be what you wish them to be, need them to be, want them to be.

No, it’s the light that is devastatingly hard and why most avoid all but selective exposure. One cannot pretend in the light for their own comfort or false notions of safety or perfection.

I brought (have been bringing) my entire self into the light for a while now. I was not in any way prepared for the very last things to come out, which in actuality were THE thing it’s all been leading up to. I guess it would be more accurate to say I was finally ready to see BECAUSE of all I’ve been through – to have to acknowlege just how dependent I’ve been on “love” in the shadows – the idea of something I wanted it to be verses the reality of what it actually is.

My physical circumstances have more or less been the same for quite a while and will not be radically changing. I’ve been sleeping (when I’m lucky) and crying alone in bed and have been carrying the bulk of child raising for years.

But what is the thing that terrifies and crushes me? It’s the exposure of an idea that I’ve clung to my whole life as false that causes the most intense pain I’ve ever experienced. What a strange thing to admit…to be violently detoxing from the loss of an idea like it was heroin. But that’s exactly what it feels like. I’ve needed someone to be something they could never be and I numbed and sabotaged and stole from myself, denied my instincts and my true knowing and handed over my power in order to get and keep the fix I thought I couldn’t live without – to believe he was what he was not and could not be – to place an impossible burden on him. It’s what we’re all conditioned to do to each other. He and I are, and have always been, extreme cases. We don’t do subtle…ever.

In the light, there is only love most real for whole persons (myself first) separate from any selfishly projected ideas or expectations of them. It is a brutal, brutal detox to let go of my desires and let it all be whatever it will while resisting the urge to counter spin in my favor as every fiber of my being screams for resolution and relief!! But the light is no fix. It is the abrupt and harsh exposure of what truly IS.

I have to let whatever IS – BE…hands off…free to be and do and be seen for what it is by whoever can and will.

The darkness will kill ya, but damn do I miss how good it felt even at its worst compared to this. The light feels every bit like torture and death right now.

I have moments of unprecedented clarity and calmness that punctuate the baseline aching void of despair that at times swells so intensely I feel like I could literally drown in the feeling of loss and fear and “I DON’T WANT THIS!”

God, please have mercy and get me through this withdrawal to a place of peace, wholeness and love in myself. 45 years worth is a lot to work out of my system to get clean.

The only way out is through and there is no going back or unseeing. Woe to those who have seen and known the light and then reject and deny it. That is the blackest self-imposed darkness rooted in a self-loathing lie that will kill all ability to genuinely love or accept love permanently.

I exposed the love of my life, so entrenched and enmeshed in my being, to the light he once used to guide me to, and then began to let go as a final (and first, really) act of unselfish love for him. To do so meant the death of my addiction and codependency and sent me reeling into this tortuous detox. There is nothing but pain for me in it. He has kicked and screamed and spat and spun violently all the way because he knows I will not and cannot hide anything anymore. It all comes into the light, but I cannot keep him with me there.

Whether in light or darkness, he is who he is and will always be the love of my life.

Into the fire we all must go, one way or the other, and we all must go alone. All I can do is be my own light and to do so I must burn.

Mama, Help Me

The Last Words

2 thoughts on “How It Is”

James

July 26, 2017 at 1:27 am

  1. Amazing! You had a narcissist who found his way into your life and was your husband for 24 years; gave you 4 children that you adore and provided for you all along the way.

    The symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder include: grandiose sense of importance, preoccupation with unlimited success, belief that one is special and unique, exploitative of others, lacks empathy, is arrogant, and is jealous of others.

    It must have been really hard for you to live with him. He must have always been expecting you to do great things like keep the house immaculate, always have dinner ready when he came home from work and be hospitable to his dinner guests. Was he always wanting people over to impress? That must have been terrible!

    I bet he exploited the fuck out of you huh? Was he always expecting you to serve him because he is so important. Geez, that is just stupid. He probably didn’t give a fuck about anything huh? Did he even cry at cheesy movies?

    I bet he also just thought he was the shit! No accomplishments like medals or anything but just expected people to bow to him huh?

    These kind of people need serious help. I’m glad you are free of him. More power to you!

    • Out of deference and respect for your father’s death and our daughter’s wedding, I temporarily disabled the blog and didn’t approve your comment for anyone to see. A friend just asked me to please open it back up as she has a friend in ministry going through the same thing and she thought my writing could help her. Thank you for this stellar contribution. You’ve given me SO much over the last year. More than enough. Please, no more. You rise or fall entirely by your own words and actions and it all happens in a court of law from here on out, not blogging or facebooking. I am neither your savior nor executioner. I am nothing to you. What a gory battle I’ve waged and raged to win that peace…to become that glorious nothing.

      I truly loved you with everything I am, and holy shit did I hate you to the same degree as you projected everything on to me. I allowed myself full feeling and expression of that hate – alone – countless times, terrorized and terrified. I took it all, Jimmy. All your hatred and self-loathing. I felt, absorbed, then expressed every last bit until I died. I knew I had to die with it or live to become the monster. Who knew resurrection was becoming NOTHING!? It’s so beautiful, Jimmy. How I wish you’d gone all the way with me instead of walking me right up to the fire, shoving me in and diving away.

      My last words to you in public are those I’ve already said to you in private. I wish you nothing but love and I hope you get help for your addictions in order to someday find yourself capable of mutually loving relationship with someone (anyone) without exploitative personal agenda and manipulation – first and foremost your own children.

      It’s never going to be me. It never was. That has been the hardest thing to admit after having spent my entire adult life convincing myself and the world that WE were everything together (and tragically being MUCH too good at it).

      There was never a We…only You, and I completely lost Me. Forward into the reality we each now choose for ourselves – alone. Everything that happens from here is what you have chosen/will choose for yourself. You will never choose for me again. I am nothing now, and I am free. Goodbye, Jimmy.

How It Is

I can only afford people in my life who understand. It’s nothing personal against anyone – not even my lifetime abuser(s). Nothing is from here on out. There is only myself and my responsibility for myself. Into the fire we all must go and we all must go alone, one way or the other. As I flesh back together new, I’m relying heavily on the words of others who can speak my experience. Huge thanks to Greg Zaffuto for his generous provision of practical, powerful encouragement and support and for his example of allowing the devastation to break us open – together.

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We MUST process the truth that this was abuse! We believed it was love when it wasn’t and we are in a place that is called abuse and the journey to recovery must start NOW that we understand JUST HOW DISORDERED this person was to our entire life. Unless you stop blaming yourself, you will never really get out because you will be upholding an image of yourself that someone else created, but not facing the facts and the truth. THIS WAS NEVER ABOUT YOU – it was about a Narcissist and predator that unfortunately found their way into your life.

From my Book – From Charm to Harm and Everything else in Between with a Narcissist! @ https://www.amazon.com/Charm-Harm-Everything-…/…/ref=sr_1_1…

There is a complexity that is involved here and that has to do with what has happened to YOUR psyche through this abuse – and what kept you attached to the relationship because of the emotions that evolved or better yet you were manipulated into believing were real. Without understanding this and educating yourself you continue to fight YOUR emotions/feelings until the truth is apparent. The more you get to know what they’re doing (their real agenda), what they are really like, see it for yourself with your own eyes, the more you observe and journal in your mind, the greater your desire becomes to not inhabit the Narcissist’s planet any longer nor be pulled into the gravity from the Narcissist. A better way to describe it is being seduced into this abuse by the extreme manipulation the Narcissist uses to trap you into their agenda.

FIRST and FOREMOST, most of us fell in love with a Narcissist – but it was FAKE, not real, a con job and a means for them to use us as Narcissistic supply. Huge and I mean ABSOLUTELY a huge betrayal and the sign of a highly-disordered individual. They thrive on admiration so they select an audience or a particular person that fulfills their need – and that is key here – we were objectified to fulfill THEIR NEEDS. Like a great actor does, a Narcissist draws from the audience/person to create a reality that is believable and we, as the audience, become engaged with the complete story – emotions, beliefs, feelings and all – we empathize with the character in that fake script. But this scenario is different because we PERSONALLY interact with this Narcissist and we didn’t know it is a huge con job and DANGEROUS at the time because our hearts are ruling our heads. We also didn’t know that the actor is not a fully functioning human being as well as lacks ANY empathy, nor do we know they are abusive and will destroy our lives and run off with whatever they can take from us. Read this very paragraph to anybody and they will probably shake their head in disbelief and think you are crazy. BUT IT IS THE TRUTH – so imagine if you will that it is just as crazy for us (target/victim) to relate to and try to put in a realistic perspective to create our OWN closure and recover from a predator that attacked our lives BUT we believed it was LOVE.

If we honestly evaluate what has happened during the aftermath, we can identify times where we were in full-fledged denial of the obvious facts. Our partners had changed and we chose to believe that their viciousness and cruel behavior was caused by something WE had done wrong – a big NO to that – and our denial was in response to the barrage of manipulation that a shrewd Narcissist used to fulfill their agenda. It was the pull of the positive AND negative conditioning that kept us frozen in confusion and denial. That Narcissist was studying and reading us and our emotions like a book and using them against us to CONTROL us. It is also not a sign of weakness or stupidity on our part, instead it was a slow and insidious process of extreme manipulation, betrayal and brain-washing that stole our self-esteem and changed us. It is not hard to understand how it could happen because a Narcissist employs a manipulation that warps human emotion – something that we all cherish and try to emulate into our lives – and that is love. Love is many things that includes happiness, trust, personal bonding, strong emotions, empathy, attraction, growth, etc. – a very normal, unconditional and REWARDING emotion that can be real with a real person – again the Narcissist was nothing even near real. They use this “fake love” to grab our trust, take what they wanted, then destroy it all right in our faces and manipulate us back in to take more and more until there is nothing left of us!

So, we fell (were conned) IN LOVE – but an unnatural, desperate, and abusive love is nothing even near a normal love and it comes with a great price – the truth of the extreme and hideous betrayal that steals away a person’s self-esteem, belief system, and worth. We constantly tried to adjust and fix the damaged relationship AND ourselves and in doing so, our Narcissist was just taking the supply they required with their arsenal of tools. Their manipulation, betrayal, control, lies and acting out “trained” us to provide them with supply OR groomed us to become one of their objects and then they stepped up the game to get the most if not ALL they could from us until they were caught and identified as the monster they are and then they tried to destroy us to cover up the abuse so they could run off. They controlled us to gain power and we gave them power with each and every change we made, BUT we also eroded our sense of self-worth. We didn’t give them the power to abuse us, we mistakenly opened our hearts and minds with empathy to make things right and return the relationship back to what we believed was love, but the Narcissist used this as the very vehicle to drive us straight into this fake relationship as well as our own demise – AND THE NARCISSIST HAD COMPLETE COGNITIVE KNOWLEDGE OF DOING SO!

So now on our part (the normal person in this relationship) who believed there was reality, honesty, integrity, love, individuality, etc., AND a real relationship – we only tried to follow the natural flow or path of a relationship. THAT is what is difficult to reconcile and that is also called ‘cognitive dissonance’ or accepting a new reality that our beliefs about something (like this manufactured love) is so directly in opposition to the real truth that we are NOW presented with – in other words it takes a GREAT deal of reconciliation to get to the closure that we were abused. We didn’t know that we had inadvertently set the stage for Narcissistic attacks and rage when we only tried to express our basic needs in our relationship with them – and that is a BIG NO with a Narcissist because it is always and only about THEM and their MANY needs. A thief steals from you when you least expect it and they NEVER leave you a personal gift in return for what they stole – not a give and take situation – ALL TAKE like a Narcissist! Like a spoiled child, a Narcissist will act out in rage against the individual who is keeping them from getting what they want – constant supply, admiration, adulation and total control over their target. The hardest aspect to acknowledging this is accepting that we were JUST the next object for this Narcissist to use and this was SITUATIONAL abuse.

During what I call my “processing phase” I thought about all the arguments that seemed to come from nowhere and escalated to an “out of control” status for absolutely no reason – that is what describes the conditioning or grooming process. There were never any questions asked BUT there were always accusations from my Narcissist CONCERNING me. I was everything evil, everything mentally ill, I was perverse, having affairs, lying, cheating, stealing and anything else that the Narcissist could think up. It was the creative and DESTRUCTIVE mind of a highly disordered person acting out of their deep seeded pathology. These were diversions and projections of what the Narcissist was actually doing and they were shoved down my throat in an effort for this Narcissist to release from the shame and blame they should HAVE OWNED themselves for their hideous acts, lies and betrayal. Next it was to attempt to slowly but surely make me feel unworthy like I was all of these things wrong and bad so that I would keep changing to meet this Narcissists needs and be vulnerable. This defines the relationship with a Narcissist – totally and hysterically dysfunctional with an edge that serves the Narcissist’s agenda always. I reflected on some of the Narcissists arguments or statements that were uncharacteristically insecure and childlike to me at the time. It was such a surprise coming from an adult but I justified it and wrote it off as this Narcissist’s “immaturity.” I wanted this Narcissist to be the person I believed the Narcissist to be when my heart assigned itself to loving this Narcissist and I was resolved about my beliefs. If you love them, you will accept them for WHO they are and work with them, time will work to heal all of this and the bigger picture was what was important. Too bad I didn’t realize the PSYCHOPATHY behind all of this. REMEMBER there was a great deal of “love bombing” so the Narcissist could gain our trust to get us to believe they were GOOD at first. I wasn’t overlooking the obvious because I wasn’t seeing the WHOLE picture or the lies, cheating, betrayal, brain-washing and everything else that is kept so hidden from all of us – this is why it is classified as abuse or better yet psychological terrorism/abuse.

That is, perhaps, the most difficult and devastating outcome of a Narcissistic relationship, mustering up the strength as well as adopting the position to accept that your partner was just pathologically abusive and cruel AND now you must abandon them and the relationship COMPLETELY. It is a difficult and unnatural process to have to dump your past completely, as well as your emotions, dreams, plans, the family structure (they abandon/abuse their own biological children as well), all of the years you spent together and the memories that are also fake. IT IS AN ABHORATION of human life as well as human dignity to use/harm/destroy another individual in the manner a malignant Narcissist does. After you get there you are then left with the arduous task of finding and repurposing yourself again.

So here we are with the truth. We have to stand up again and brush ourselves off and start walking forward again and realize our own culpability in the exchange with this malignant Narcissist. We believed it was love when it wasn’t and we are in a place that is called abuse and the journey to recovery must start and NOW that we understand JUST HOW DISORDERED this partner was to our entire life. Now we MUST go “no contact” because we have educated ourselves with the truth and we have to stop anymore attempts on their part to abuse us anymore.

Apart from all of that, I live and I love again. It is an amazing life because now, I accept that there are people in this world who represent darkness and evil. It is not my place to fix them, make them better or to even tolerate them. Life is good without narcissists/psychopaths. I know myself better, I am myself, I love and enjoy and find the world a wonderful place to live in. I have good and great relationships. I know that I finally faced the truth and worked through it. I was not a deer frozen in the headlights and stayed in that position dazed forever. I was an adult with many resources and I learned to use them. I accepted that abnormal people had entered into my life. I accepted that they left damage in their wake and I needed to get them out of my life. Unless you do that, unless you stop blaming yourself, you will never really get out. You will be upholding an image of yourself that someone else created, but not facing the facts and the truth. THIS WAS NEVER ABOUT YOU – it was about a Narcissist and predator that unfortunately found their way into your life. Educate yourself and go “no contact” AND educate others once you understand the reality of this abuse and the damage it does to many undeserving and beautiful people. No/minimal contact! Greg

 

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Good Day

It is a good day to let the feelings flow as they will, unadulterated, without shame or restraint, with no fuck or fear given to how YOU would feel about them…

Knowing all too well how you would Dismiss – Distract – Deflect – Connive – Contort – Convince me (hell, everyone we know) that I AM not real…

…and upon realizing you’ve lost that power, slink away to wallow in the cowardice and shame that I will never again bear for you or shrink myself to accommodate.

Yourself alone remains to delude that I AM the one who abandons and betrays.

It is a good day to do the tedious work of gathering scraps of grace the only place I find them in this chasm of separation I did not choose.

Today. It is a very good day to be 2000 miles away.

I AM

Happy, Happy new year and a warm and massive cyber hug to all as we enter 2017. I’ll take and freely give all the hugs and love and kindness possible wherever they are found.

I’m going to use my first post of the new year to introduce myself as the new me that has actually always been. There are some things about me you should know to put everything I write going forward into some context. There was a time in my old life when I would have written separate blog posts for each of these things, explaining them in detail in the hopes of persuading people to at least respect what I see instead of shitting on me for it.

Life has radically changed for me, and ain’t nobody got time for that in the new life that is. So much shit has rained down on me that I now dance in it and make art rather than try to outrun it or hide, or worse, deny its existence or try to pretty it up to be something it’s not (LIE).

The old life was 25 years of marriage, 22 of those spent in evangelical christian ministry together, the last 5 of which we (Love of My Life and I) embarked on an exodus out of Church World to plant a funky little honest church ourselves that was doomed to “fail” from the start because it was one where any human of any persuasion, any belief or lack thereof, was welcome to participate, love and be loved as is. We gave up everything and ultimately ended up losing more than we’d ever imagined possible – our very lives together – though isn’t that exactly what Jesus said was the price to be considered? Anyhooo, that truly is for a separate blog post.

So, in the new life (whatever that’s now totally free to be), here’s a quick summation of my current (and fluid) theology/psychology/ideology/methodology around which everything I say and do emerges, and I care not one whit what anyone thinks of it. If you follow my writing for whatever reason, even if only as a vulture to feast on the carcass of my family to poop out as gossipy judgment (why would you stop now after the last 5 years of pecking away at our flesh before we were even fully dead?), knowing the following will at least put things in perspective:

  • All God talk is human talk. All we have are human ideas about God. The only experience we have of Whatever God There Is happens in the gray matter between our ears, individually. The second anyone tries to enforce any idea of God as absolute certainty is the second I smile politely and disengage. The second anyone does harm to others with their god-in-their-own-twisted-image certainty is the second I go into verbal smack down mode. I have no pride, shame or fear left in me to cause me to either shrink back or have any further need to self preserve, defend or explain myself. I’ve never been more confident and peacefully assured in my faith and absolute uncertainty than I AM now.
  • I have always had an awareness of and communed with Something Other both wholly outside myself and wholly inside myself that I learned to call God since my earliest memories, around age 3 or 4. It was always plural – a They – and there was a definite female component. I never thought to question it as it fit perfectly into my Tribe’s doctrines of the Trinity, with the exception of the female part. I’ve always gone against the grain of my tradition and personified the Holy Spirit as female, though also knew very early on to keep that shit to myself if I wanted the belonging and acceptance (which was THE most important thing to me) of my Tribe.
  • I AM is the identifier God gave Moses. Jesus invoked I AM for himself, and that’s good enough for me. I simply AM. What is, IS. God is existence. God is reality. To be who I AM with full integrity and to let everyone and everything BE what it IS without inserting my own desires and agenda for any of it is, to me, to engage, participate in, and BE the divinity that is inherent in being human.
  • I’ve always read and understood the bible for myself for what it is since childhood – and loved it. I never really found value in taking any of it literally, though I forced myself to suppress my true instincts and knowing in order, again, to be accepted by my Tribe. To question the “inerrant” literal truth of the bible meant brutal and immediate rejection. To do it as a girl at any age? Forget it. More shit I absolutely knew to keep to myself – even from myself until recent years.
  • Whatever meaning or “truth” to be found in life is in metaphor, patterns, echos, cycles, seasons…and the bible is my endlessly rich base source for the poetic language I use to tell my own story and I will continue to dive into and mine scripture in order to do so, now more than ever. But I am not bound or restricted by it. Sacred metaphor is absolutely everywhere and I call it when I see it, however, wherever it presents itself. “Love Thy Neighbor As Thyself” is echoed throughout all cultures, eras, ancients and contemporaries, poets, artists, children, old women, heathens and holy men alike – and I pay attention to them all. If I had life to do over, I’d be a professor of anthropology and religious studies. As a profession it’s not practical at this point, but the studying and going wherever my fascination takes me is just getting started. It is an exciting time to awaken and go after my own life.
  • I AM a Christian, an identifier I’ve decided to keep for myself alone and to myself alone without any further need to justify or explain my right or reason for doing so ever again. I identify my entire story, my entire life with Jesus and the birth/life/death/resurrection metaphor of his and the sharing in his sufferings of rejection and humiliation that I’ve gone all the way and lived out and will continue to cycle through until my last breath. Salvation and redemption are to be lived out HERE – NOW.

The above picture is me at age 7 (AKA the real Princess Leia), the last time I was the most me as I AM that I can remember before learning, as we all do, to shove the truth of my divine self down deep, believing that was the only way to be worthy of human love. I’ve missed that sweet nerd so much. Almost 40 years later, she’s back. She’s awake. She has surfaced, and she’s gunna rock the world.

Agony of Light

The hardest part is not the darkness. No. You can still imagine things to look much better than you feel them to be in the shadows; imagine things to be what you wish them to be, need them to be, want them to be.

It is the light that is devastatingly hard and why most avoid all but selective exposure. One cannot pretend in the light for their own comfort or false notions of safety or perfection.

I brought (have been bringing) my entire self into the light for a while now. I was not in any way prepared for the very last things to come out, which in actuality were THE thing it’s all been leading up to. I guess it would be more accurate to say I was finally ready to see BECAUSE of all I’ve been through – to have to acknowlege just how dependent I’ve been on “love” in the shadows – the idea of something I wanted it to be verses the reality of what it actually is.

My physical circumstances have more or less been the same for quite a while and will not be radically changing. I’ve been sleeping (when I’m lucky) and crying alone in bed and have been carrying the bulk of child raising for years.

But what is the thing that terrifies and crushes me? It’s the exposure of an idea that I’ve clung to my whole life as false that causes the most intense pain I’ve ever experienced. What a strange thing to admit…to be violently detoxing from the loss of an idea like it was heroin. But that’s exactly what it feels like. I’ve needed someone to be something they could never be and I numbed and sabotaged and stole from myself, denied my instincts and my true knowing and handed over my power in order to get and keep the fix I thought I couldn’t live without – to believe he was what he was not and could not be – to place an impossible burden on him. It’s what we’re all conditioned to do to each other. He and I are, and have always been, extreme cases. We don’t do subtle…ever.

In the light, there is only love most real for whole persons (myself first) separate from any selfishly projected ideas or expectations of them. It is a brutal, brutal detox to let go of my desires and let it all be whatever it will while resisting the urge to counter spin in my favor as every fiber of my being screams for resolution and relief!! But the light is no fix. It is the abrupt and harsh exposure of what truly IS.

I have to let whatever IS – BE…hands off…free to be and do and be seen for what it is by whoever can and will.

The darkness will kill ya, but damn do I miss how good it felt even at its worst compared to this. The light feels every bit like torture and death right now.

I have moments of unprecedented clarity and calmness that punctuate the baseline aching void of despair that at times swells so intensely that I feel like I could literally drown in the feeling of loss and fear and “I DON’T WANT THIS!”

God, please have mercy and get me through this withdrawal to a place of peace, wholeness and love in myself. 45 years worth is a lot to work out of my system to get clean.

The only way out is through and there is no going back or unseeing. Woe to those who have seen and known the light and then reject and deny it, because that is the blackest self-imposed darkness rooted in a self-loathing lie that will kill all ability to genuinely love or accept love fast and permanent.

I exposed the love of my life who is a part of me to the light he once used to guide me to, and then I let go as a final (and first, really) act of unselfish love for him. To do so meant the death of my addiction and codependency and sent me reeling into this tortuous detox. There is nothing but pain for me in it. He has kicked and screamed and spat and spun violently all the way, directed just at me, because he knows I will not and cannot hide anything anymore. It all comes into the light, but I cannot keep him with me there.

Whether in light or darkness, he is who he is and I AM who I AM.

Into the fire we all must go, one way or the other, and we all must go alone. All I can do is be my own light and to do so I must burn.

Mama, Help Me

Journaling That Doesn’t Suck 09/27/2016

Went for a slow walk yesterday around the fake lake. It wasn’t exercise as much as knowing I have to get out and begin moving, to start putting one foot in front of the other. It doesn’t have to be pretty or accomplish any other goal than moving forward steadily.

Didn’t listen to any music to distract myself or try to elicit a cheap emotional release. Just walked and BE’d.

Said “hi” to a lot of friendly people getting their exercise on. Smiled at their dogs.

A little stormy weather was coming in from the west. Looking east, though it was around 9 a.m., the line of dark clouds not quite eclipsing the brightness of the sky in that direction gave it the illusion of a sunset.

What is your impression of the picture above? Is it a sunrise or a sunset and how does one tell without being there? Impression and “feels” mostly. I dunno. Perhaps if I looked it up there would be a more sciency explanation like more particulates in the air at dusk…but at any rate, my first impression upon looking east was that it surely looked like a sunset at 9 a.m.

Insert the obvious life metaphor. Although I’m pretty sure that’s entirely my problem right there. I assume what’s so goddam obvious to me and speaks for itself SHOULD be apparent to everyone.

But it’s not. Some days (like all of them lately) it seems like the whole world is upside down in delusion, insisting the sun is setting and it’s time to sleep  when I KNOW it’s a sunrise and it’s time to get busy with the day.

How do I know?

Because the sun rises in the east and I know which direction east is.

So was your initial impression of the above photo a sunrise or a sunset? Arguing about which one is truth is pointless without being there. It’s absolute fucking madness to be there in person, day after day, the sun rising and setting in the same place as it always has, and STILL insisting a sunrise is a sunset because it just feels right…or you prefer it to be so.

Do what you want, World. I’m done engaging anyone and anything that trades the truth for a lie and would rather live in delusion than the most basic self evident truths.

I’m hoping last night was a collective turning point and that a majority of us have a clear sense of direction and know the difference between east and west, day and night, and will act accordingly.

I’m getting busy in the day while it is still today. Who’s with me?

San Diego All Over

Endless-loop thought: – How did I get here-AGAIN?

I did everything I knew to do, everything I’m supposed to do, and once again, it just doesn’t fucking matter. It does not matter what I do, think, say, not do, not think, not say…the only one who matters, the only one I want has left me isolated in the horrible void – the upside down – to desperately try and fill his own with ???…whatever it is today.

Here I am back in San Diego. Again.

Alone. Paralyzed. Cried out on the floor of the apartment. It’s over.

If we’re destined to repeat this cycle, I sure as hell hope it includes the miracle desert restoration.

It’s a hope I didn’t have the last time I was here.

Fuck you, San Diego.

Holding out for Blythe, our oasis in the desert – home, creation of new life, family.

That’s the last time I remember being truly happy and whole – there.

Praying (screaming into pillows) to Whatever God There Is that we can get to there from here…again.

Shut Up and Sing

I made my bed, and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets, and I don’t mind saying
It’s a sad, sad story
When a mother will teach her daughter
That she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world
Can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they’d write me a letter
Saying that I better
Shut up and sing
Or my life will be over? – Dixie Chicks

Once upon a time, we were offered 6 figures to climb the corporate church ladder and be entertainers in an even bigger and better church than we were already in. We turned it down. It’s quite a story from there.

The short of it, the second we stopped singing at the church we’d remained loyal to in order to minister with integrity, they broke every promise they’d given of support, disowned and ghosted us, leaving our family of 6 hanging with nothing.

We kept our baby church alive as best we could for 3 years right under the shadow of the Big Bro Church. I’ve really got to hand it to them. They were (and continue to be) absolutely amazing at pretending not only that we don’t exist, but that we never did.

Jimmy is still there. I couldn’t take it another second and fled to where the love is with my family.

So imagine, if you will, what it was like for us last summer, as we were making the tough decision to put our church baby on hospice, when my husband received a text from the former boss who’d wanted us so badly 5 years prior, demanding he silence his wife.

I was saying dangerous and heretical things.

Here I was thinking I was nothing to no one. Turns out I was a very Scary Girl.

Alright Bros of God…you only want to hear my voice if it’s singing?

Here ya go.

Scary Girl lyrics

Journaling That Doesn’t Suck 09/19/2016

The majority of my revelations seem to be rooted in the absurdity of life and human nature. It’s the things that don’t line up but are trying REALLY hard to maintain the appearance of rightness that jump out at me and simply will not let go. I was my own case in point this morning. It was as I finally settled on this pic that was the least unflattering of the dozen or so I tried to get that my multiple layers of vanity burst out laughing at me…the one who spends so much of her existence judging the vanities and absurdities of the world.

 

screenshot_20160919-112157

All is vanity, says the Preacher.